One, Big and Happy
by Mr. Havik
Summary: Shao Kahn loves his kids. Crackfic.


A/N: I'm retarded. So sue me.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything besides the story.

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><p><strong>One, Big and Happy<strong>

**By Mr. Havik**

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><p>Shao Kahn loved kids.<p>

His fatherly disposition wasn't all too obscure from his peers and colleagues and there were a number of certain events from his life that gave away his soft heart. Take the example of Kitana whom the Emperor had decided to raise as his own despite being his late enemy's child. Then there was Mileena, that although had a face that not even her 'mother' could love, was a princess in his eyes. In his life, besides the occasional conquering and attending bloody executions, the only joy Kahn had was with his children. He would shower his undying love upon them, buying them the best makeup in all of the Outworld, never questioning with bitter intent when they would walk around in their scanty clothing, applauding Mileena when she would accidentally kill one of his subordinates in her fits of madness, or claiming Kitana was a real chip off the old block after another one of her failed attempts to murder him and usurp the throne.

Tsung would argue that he had spoiled his kids to the extent that they had become worthless fighters. Though Kahn would always argue in the favour of his daughters, the Sorcerer would point out that despite being ten thousand years of age the girls should be able to lick the entire Earthrealm with their hands tied behind their backs.

Mileena was always too busy stitching these grotesque things called "Teddy Bears" and stalking any warrior that was unfortunate to win her heart in a bid to gift the plush toy to him. Tsung had thought Scorpion was the first and the last to issue a restraining order but was greatly mistaken. A certain Solid Snake had said that the suppressor for his Mk 22 tranquilizer pistol had worn out from overuse. Sephiroth complained that he used to have two wings before Mileena began haunting him. Lion-O was perplexed how the Tarkatan female could ever be attracted to a cat. Pyramid-Head was quiet though. Besides the awkward stalking, Mileena had grown incredibly meek due to her sister's bullying; a personality that she adopted whenever she wasn't having her fits. For that reason alone, everyone was treated to a huge shock when she came in wearing a _burqa_ once. Kahn hadn't said anything but Baraka had managed to talk her out of it.

Kitana was worse than her sister. All she ever did all day was remain holed up in her room playing video games or spitting from the balcony on unsuspecting victims below. Tsung was worried why she would often sneak into the Living Forests, hanging corpses by chains. No one even had the heart or the guts to tell Sephiroth that Mileena was not the real reason for the missing wing. Even her 'practical jokes' exceeded the bounds of humanity and fell right into sadistic cruelty. The racist jokes she had passed on Jade still circulate every social circle of the Outworld today. At least her clone was slightly normal in the fact that she ate men and women. Kitana ate children. Particularly newborns. Raw. Shit and all.

Shang Tsung declared that being their nanny was not in his job description. As a sorcerer, his services and knowledge were being greatly underused in lieu of taking care of and looking after the Outworld Ruler's spoiled brats. In his ranting, Tsung had taken the daring to put his foot down, claiming that Kahn try and be the Emperor he claims himself to be and put his servants to do his bidding. The old man offered that he allow him to use his sorcery once again to create the Ruler a warrior that would elate his status beyond that of the gods. Hurt by his accusations and riled up by his motivating words, Shao Kahn ordered his lackey to create him a combatant that would possess the skills and strengths of all the greatest warriors they had encountered, mindlessly loyal and obedient to the Emperor's will.

In his quest to create such a warrior, Tsung set about to gather the blood of powerful fighters with which he would build his monster. It was a timely process, but well intended, leaving the Sorcerer to ask for a drop of Kahn's own blood to add to the finishing touches of the creation.

Tsung was not aware that by adding Kahn's blood, he had somehow established the red warrior as the Emperor's new child. The old man threw up his hands in the air and quit the following morning when Kahn himself had decided to lovingly call the new child 'Skarlet'. His subordinate's resignation, though, was something that would not deter the beautiful heart of the Edenian Nightmare. When Skarlet was dressed and her hair tied into a neat little plait with his aid, Kahn introduced her to her sisters.

The Crimson Femme Fatale was greeted with an overly warm hug from her 1/3 sister, Mileena, while Kitana flicked a freshly harvested booger at her. Being surrounded by her new family, Skarlet's socialization needs kicked in and she felt the urge to respond in a manner similar to the kindness of her counterparts. Except… there was very little she could do, or for that matter say about it.

When Kahn had mentioned that Skarlet be a mindlessly obedient assassin, Tsung had made sure that the new creation would not possess any level of knowledge that would make her liable to awareness and perhaps rebelling against her Emperor. And so, mindless she was. Her sisters were rather confused when the new kid just slurred some unintelligible noises before proceeding to drool all over the floor. An awkward silence loomed between the girls, with Mileena exchanging glances with her predecessor, whilst the blue-garbed female merely shrugged. Kahn didn't seem to notice though. He was much too excited about the prospects of being a father to _three _little monsters.

"This one's broken," Kitana announced, pushing the mentally handicapped female to stand at the steps of the stage. Kahn, still beaming, nearly leapt out of his throne and clasped his hands.

"How about a walk in the park?" he suggested, eyes darting to catch each of his children's expression.

"What's a park?" Mileena asked quite innocently.

Oh well. Maybe flowers were a tad bit pushing it too far.

"Nevermind. How about the Tarkatan graveyards?"

"I'll get the shovel," Kitana murmured with a smirk before turning away, while the child in pink stepped up to her new sister, taking a lock of red hair in her fingers to examine.

Shao Kahn would never know any happiness greater than spending time with his angels like this.

The End.

Now go read porn like a normal human being.


End file.
